CEO Wankfest
When you would rather celebrate your awesomeness. (Image: Pexels)

On the same night as some of South Africa’s top executives slept on the wintry streets of Sandton, Johannesburg, for the charitable CEO SleepOut, other executives partook in its antithesis, which they called the CEO WankFest, an orgy of massive proportion.

The orgy was held at The Michelangelo Towers Penthouse in Sandton, where they could “overlook our soft-cock peers suffering it out on the streets in the name of charity”.

While the SleepOut raises money and awareness for the homeless, the WankFest is meant to celebrate the executives’ “awesomeness”.

Carl Labuschagne, a chief financial officer at Bewildered Solar, said the event recognises the hard work and pressures of being in such a high position.

“We executives are always on our toes like ballerinas, monitoring our workers and making sure they are doing their jobs,” he mumbled through his thick Viking beard while trying to catch his breath after a sweaty round of rimming. “We do not just mill around the office doing bugger-all and barking orders.”

Marketing director for Bright Comms, Richard Dlamini, said he can work all day and still have the energy to go on, unlike his creative minions who do little yet suffer nervous breakdowns.

“Who needs imagination when you have money,” he said. “All of my staff have degrees and are very creative but look how far it got them.”

WankFest organiser, Joanna Wayne, is optimistic that the event will grow next year as she has an inkling that CEOs from the SleepOut “looked up longingly at the brightly lit dome of The Michelangelo as they shivered in their sleeping bags”.

“Some CEOs from the SleepOut have already expressed their desire to join the WankFest in 2019. I guess they know where their bread is buttered.”