Merchants’ goalkeeper, Mario Plaatjies, had to be taken to hospital not for an injury he sustained but because he was electrocuted with a stun gun until all the hairs on his back got toasted.
Plaatjies, known to his teammates as Hare (the Afrikaans for hairs) had to be subdued after teammate Jermaine Adams dummied a back pass and yelled to him, “Jou bal, Hare” (translated from Afrikaans as “Your ball, Hairs”).
Plaatjies got the nickname when teammates discovered that he was hairy all over his back, torso and legs while changing for a game.
The call sent Plaatjies into a bloodthirsty frenzy. He let the ball roll into his own net as he proceeded to chase Adams out of the stadium and into the city centre.
“I just saw his eyes turn red after I made that call and I knew immediately I had to run out of the stadium. I mean, the man is built like a hairy brick shit-house.” said Adams.
Plaatjies chased Adams out of North End Stadium, down Oxford Street and halfway through Fleet Street before he was subdued by three policemen and his own club president, all of whom used stun guns.
“I knew I could stop running when I caught the scent of singed hair in the air,” said Adams. “All the teammates know Mario does not like to be called Hare but I can’t help it. I sometimes mistake him for a Sasquatch. And we don’t even have Sasquatches in South Africa,” said Adams.
Merchants’ club president, Gavin Jones, who was one of the men wielding a stun gun, apologised to fans for Plaatjies’ behaviour and promised them it would not happen again.
“I’m embarrassed about the situation but, fuck, it felt good to fire that stun gun. I always carry it on me and I have been itching to use it. And can you believe my first shot was in the nuts?”
Plaatjies suffered minor burns and remains in hospital. Doctors said he will be able to return to the field in a weeks’ time and that his hairs will grow back within a month.