Economic Freedom Front president and curmudgeon-in-chief, Julius Malema, has come out about the reason rose so quickly in the country’s political ranks.The self-aggrandizing “Curran Bun With a Handgun” credits his success to a bad childhood experience with the Monopoly board game.
“When I was just a boy, maybe around 23-years-old, I played Monopoly with my eighth grade classmates and lost. I couldn’t understand what the dog and the car were all about. The only thing I could understand was the get-out-of-jail-free card.”
He recounted the incident whereby his classmates humiliated him by making him bankrupt after he was enticed into investing in a business development on the Eloff Street square.
“At that moment, I tossed the board in the air like I just didn’t care. All the pieces went flying around the classroom. I think the boot figure got lodged in one of the boys’ eyes. I made a vow then and there that one day I will become president and, by default, own all of my classmates’ properties. Then I would be Monopoly champion of South Africa.”
He equated his experience to that of Adolf Hitler, whose rejection from a prestigious art school in Vienna led to his megalomaniacal reign as Germany’s Fuhrer.
“Hitler was also humiliated as a child and look what became of him. He used that anger and fire that comes from being humiliated to his own benefit. I am using those same feelings to become South Africa’s one and only ruler. I have already started, by implementing my party’s ‘Thousand-Year Jamboree’, which will ensure our domination for the next one-hundred years.”
As to why he called his plan a jamboree, Malema said the Naughty by Nature song and music video of the same name inspired him to come up with a plan that would guarantee the country receives an “endless supply of alcohol, marijuana and loose women.”
“If we come into power, Rio de Janeiro will no longer be known as the party capital of the world. Places like Polokwane, Parys and Orania will become global centres of leisure. Tourists from all over the world will stumble over themselves just to get a flight to these eclectic towns. Once my party achieves this, we will see who the real winner in Monopoly is.”