If some of the world’s most memorable characters in literature were adapted to modern times, how would they speak, what would their actions be and just how much more sociopathic would they be?
We experimented with a few and this is what we came up with. If you have your own take on some classic literary characters, share them with us. Email the author at firstname.lastname@example.org
Prometheus Bound by Aeschylus
Prometheus: Untie me, sweetheart. This is not fun any more.
Io: Keep still. When you move, you’re out of focus and I can’t get a clear picture of you.
Prometheus: I think I’m allergic to the furry handcuffs. Please take them off. This is torture.
Io: Beautiful shot. The girls at Chorus are going to love this.
The Tale of Genji by Lady Murasaki Shikibu
Genji: Doctor, I have a problem. When I urinate, it burns. And my testicles are swollen.
Doctor: Have you been sleeping around with many partners?
Genji: I’m a bit embarrassed to admit, but yes, I have. With many women, in fact.
Doctor: Son, a classic has made a comeback.
Genji: What does that mean?
Doctor: You have gonorrhoea.
Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett
Vladimir: Krikey, Essie, those sneakers look terrible. You need a new pair.
Estragon: No way, these are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever had.
Vladimir: How long have you had them?
Estragon: A couple years. My FitBit says I have walked 400 kilometres in them.
Vladimir: When last have you taken off your shoes?
Estragon: I don’t know, maybe a couple of years ago.
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
Abbé Faria: Son, you will get out of here and you will have your revenge. Tell me, do you have a Bible there.
Edmond Dantes: No father, there is not Bible here. But I’ve stashed a few Hustler magazines under my bed. You want me to swing them by you?
Abbé Faria: Yes, please! That’s the least you can do for my devising your escape plan.
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Victor Frankenstein: My God, it’s working. It’s working. It’s alive.
Creature: [Beep, beep]. Humanoid 372653678346 at your service. Today’s weather will be clear with bouts of north-easterly winds. Traffic on the N1 has been backed up by a trucked that has jack knifed. And Liverpool has beaten Manchester United by two goals to nil.
Victor Frankenstein: Humanoid 372653678346, show me videos of cats playing the piano.
Creature: Request approved. Here you go.
Robin Hood by a whole lot of authors — can be adapted as Robin-n-da-hood or Robbin’ Hoodlum
Robin: Hey, motherfucker, give your Rolex. And hand me the keys to your Maserati.
Dotcom billionaire: No please, not my Maserati. You can take my house, my art collection, my wife, but not my Maserati.
Marion: Shut up, asshole.
Marion hits the billionaire over the head with a pistol, takes the keys from him and walks out to the car with Robin.
Marion: I’m driving.
Robin: Let’s head to Sherwood’s Pub. The others will be waiting for us there.
Marion: Do me one favour while we drive.
Robin: What’s that?
Marion: Play my Lil Jon song when we’re on the road.
Mahabharata by Vyasa
Arjun: I can’t kill my homeboys. We all grew up on the streets together, playing football and hustling that weed as brothers.
Krishna: Business is business. You have a duty to your colleagues and family. Those bastards took your corner, humiliated your fine-ass wife and almost took your city.
Arjun: You’re right. Where is my AK-47? Those Kaurava asses are toast.